Misery
by xH4RL3QU1Nx
Summary: Commander Shepard is forced to realize her feelings for the renegade turian on her ship before the final battle at the Collector base. I don't own any of the characters or events mentioned in this fic. All are property of Bioware and I am just a lowly fan wanting to fill in some of the gaps and the inner battle of my own Commander Shepard.


As they passed one another in the mess, they exchanged a look and their fingers brushed gently. So gently she wondered if they even made contact, but pressed them to her lips anyway.

In the main battery she flirted with him though he probably didn't notice. She shared a secret smile with him that she never showed to anyone. She thought if he could smile he would've returned it.

She sits alone in her cabin on the SR2. She thinks about her crew, all gone. All but Joker. She puts the gun in her mouth. At the back of her throat she can taste the cold metal of the barrel. In her head she pulls the trigger. She takes her final sleep.

She washes the taste of metal away with bitter human brandy. It would be so easy. She contemplates her pistol. Saren was gone but it was just the beginning. The Reapers. The Collectors.

She thinks about putting the gun back in her mouth.

Later she smiles at her new crew and tells them they will persevere. She affirms to their expectant faces that they don't get a rest. And she thinks about her holstered side arm back in her cabin and the slide of metal she tasted.

After Omega, after finding Garrus and bringing him back, she is faced with the familiar Turian and his near-worship of her. She knows it's a bad idea, but she is tired of feeling alone. So she smiles at him, a secret smile that she will only share with him and whispers to him she is glad to have him back.

"Glad to be back," he responds in that familiar voice. He jokes with her, speaks to her, tells her he missed being on the Normandy. All the while she feels the guilt of dragging him into this. They might not survive this one. One rogue Spectre is nothing compared to a horde of Collectors with Reapers backing them.

After Horizon, Garrus walks with her to her cabin. They speak of the horrors and the good old days when husks and Geth were as bad as it got. He tells her to get some rest, that the galaxy needs her at her best to which she smiles a self-deprecating smile and responds, "You too. We have a long fight ahead of us."

As he steps back into the elevator she admires the play of light on his armor. For the first time she finds herself drawn to the Turian. She tells him so later as she gives in to the insomnia and walks the ship. Her ship. She finds him in the main battery where she knows he stays trying to feel useful in the downtime between runs.

"Shepard, I was just thinking about you," he greets.

"Apparently I was thinking about you as well. Here I am."

They talk of Turian customs, human customs, and then she tells him how she feels. She keeps it light and gives room for a refusal. If he says no she will be disappointed. But to her surprise he plays along. Maybe he will tell her it was a bad idea later.

They make a run to the Citadel a few days later as EDI interfaces with the Reaper IFF, and return to an empty ship. Her gut clenches in anger more than fear or anguish. She _will _get her crew back.

Garrus comes to her that night. For a time, they talk, then she makes her move. She isn't sure what Turians find pleasurable, so she starts small by pressing a kiss to his mouth and slipping her tongue between his sharp teeth. He responds by tangling his tongue with hers.

He treats her like a China doll, gently caressing her and exploring her. He is hard plaits where she is soft flesh and such a contrast reminds her of why this will never work. Not long term. She is prepared to be let down. Her heart is locked solidly away.

To her surprise, the Turian contrasts with himself in the sense that he is kind and gentle where his outside is rough and scarred.

As he lays over her in the dark, breathing her in and running his knuckle along her neck, she reaches out to feel the new scars. Omega had been so very close for this soldier of hers.

"Well you haven't kicked me out yet, so I suppose I did that right," he jests.

She laughs in spite of herself and feels a hot tear in each eye. She wants to love him and be loved by him. She wants someone to keep her from tasting the barrel of her gun every lonely morning.

The day of the assault she wakes to Garrus speaking to her. He whispers to her that she is beautiful and that he is a lucky Turian to have been thrust into her life given how large the galaxy is.

"I thought you were dead, and those were the darkest moments of my life," he says softly as he runs his fingers through her hair, spreading it across the pillows. "I kept thinking about how we all made it to the shuttles and you were left aboard."

"I was," she responds. "I died alone."

There is deep emotion in his voice when he responds, "You're never alone, Shepard."

She wants him to shut up so she kisses him. She wants him to stop being so kind and gentle with her so she goes to the shower and locks the door to be alone. For the first morning, she doesn't want to take her life. She wants to take the Collectors and the Reapers on. She wants to make sure Garrus continues to say kind things to her, that he will maybe one day tell her he loves her though she doesn't deserve it. She thought her heart was safe, but she knows in an instant that she was wrong. She allowed herself to fall in love with Garrus Vakarian, and hopefully it will see her through. They have to win, to live. She won't condemn him to grieve her with her profession of love should anything happen.

As the two soldiers prepare for what could be the last day alive, Shepard finds her eyes drawn to her companion. An ache in her heart threatens to swallow her. She will die. She knows there is no coming back from this final battle. All that she wishes is for Garrus to make it. To live and be happy. She tears a strip of material from her sleeve and walks over to Garrus as he shrugs into his large armor.

"Shepard, I..."

"Don't talk, Garrus," she responds gently. "There aren't any words for this moment."

"Good. I didn't know what to say," he jokes.

She runs her hands down his chestplate and leans in close to kiss him. A lump catches hard in her throat. Her hands nearly tremble as she ties the strip of cloth that smells like her to his armor.

"If I don't make it, this is so you don't forget me."

"Just come back to me, Shepard. This whole damned galaxy-_I_ would be less without you. I never thought we would become so close when I first came aboard your ship. I respected you too much to think of you as anything other than my commander."

Demurely she sits on the sofa without a piece of armor on her, just her suit tight against her skin and zipped up to the neck. Garrus sits next to her, his cold armor pressing into her shoulder as he puts an arm around her.

"Have you ever wondered why I have always taken you with me on every single mission? It's because I couldn't stand the thought of being away from you. Even back on the old Normandy, you at my back and I felt safe. Then later I thought if I could just have you near me, we could protect one another. And if anything should happen, I would be there for you and you for me. Dying alone..." She shudders.

"Women do find it hard to resist my renegade charms. The voice helps."

She laughs and slips her hand into his. She feels frail next to him. Turians are tough and it had been hard when he was injured on Omega. She doesn't like being the strong one.

"I want you to be prepared for when I don't make it back to the Normandy. I want you to make sure the rest of the crew makes it. I'm leaving their lives to you because I know you can do that for me."

"Don't talk," he whispers and leans down to kiss her. "Save it for your speeches."

She laughs against his mouth to hide a sob at the chasm opening in her chest. She wants to live.


End file.
